I am currently on holiday with my brother, mostly in Austria but tip-toeing into other countries en-route. For a nice change, he has done the planning for this break (usually I do it) and so far it is excellent with some beautiful scenery – below is an example:
I decided that if my Andrea-holiday went well then I would tell him all about Andrea… and as that break was a stupendous success then today that intention has become a realisation – just over five hours ago I came out to my brother! I gave him about 10 minutes of pre-amble, trying to explain how unhappy I had been, whether he had noticed a change in me, my counselling (generally speaking), and that I would always love him no matter what he thought. Then I gave him my 3-page come-out letter (2 general pages for all, giving the same message, and one specific to him) and I cried while he read it all. Once he had finished he said he was shocked but remained calm and unmoved, had thought something was up, then said it would take a lot of getting used to. We were at a lake, I asked him if he wanted time on his own, but he said he was fine, so we walked together and I told him all that I have been up to – appointments, walking group, man-attention, support group and friends, how I started going out and worked up, how I feel, etc. Carried on chatting on our 40 minute journey to the hotel, then I said I will leave him to talk about it more on this holiday if he wants and to ask me anything at all, but I finally feel I have been honest. He said he is trying to digest it all but appreciates the honesty and why I have not said anything before now. This is the lake where I told him (the sun had disappeared by then):
We have since had a nice dinner, wee stroll afterwards, and then watched the last half of a film together. I have wished him good night now, and said I am sorry if he sleeps poorly and it is down to me.
Will be interesting what tomorrow brings….
Well, the frightened rabbit email didn’t seem to work! I got an email back saying “Ah Andrea, I understand what u r saying… as much as any man can understand a woman” and he quite obviously didn’t understand at all coz he admitted that he fancies me.
I am launching into unknown territory. Walling on thin ice? Yes, it’s exciting and you spark something, and yes, I am attracted to you! Why shouldn’t I be, you’re attractive and intelligent. Hopefully it may be reciprocated.
So although it is amazing to be described that way and get such attention, it’s a bit scary…. so I sent a firmer email saying that I could offer no more than friendship… and with no reply, I set off for my next walk (more on that another time) with high hopes.
Arriving at Lady Dixon park, a lovely area with a beautiful rose garden, I wandered over to the group and said hi to a few people and had a wee bit of chat…. and then Alan purposefully strode over, put his hand out, and said ‘hi kiddo’ as I took it… and before I knew it he had leant in and given me a kiss on the far side of my cheek, which I reciprocated with a girly air-kiss. So my firmer email obviously worked! Not!
Well, previously I got quite excited about the thought of having admirers… but when they appear to come on like an express train then it became rather less fun after a while… especially when I have so many things to worry about already being only part-time out as Andrea – especially changing job, fitting in at a new company… and then coming out.
Well, when I met him on the walk he offered to meet up for lunch some time after one chat… and then within a week he had offered to take me to a classical music concert, have a meal out before a walk, meeting up to chill, and have quality time. All this after 30 minutes of chat and an email!!! And him married? So I put the breaks on, I had to say that this was all rather flattering but very unexpected, and I wondered what his wife would think. So over a couple of emails I think I have sorted him out, and he is very much looking only for friends, having become a bit lonely as his wife has health issues which means she gets weary rather a lot, especially as the day goes on. So, from some nice emails, I think he is sorted… although he then offered to come mow my lawns some time!!! Agghhhh.
Oh deary me. Just over a week ago I sent an email to him saying I was slightly anxious about the flirtatious nature of comments he posted to me on my walking group profile, and he replied saying that it was just a bit of fun, and what was wrong with flirting… and then he kinda ruined it by saying he will be singing “You are always on my mind” while doing his next walk, which I wasn’t going to!!! Agghhh. So I sent another email, and I mentioned something about having worries and my life being a bit turbulent… and then he replied saying that his heart is turbulent every time he gets an email from me! Maybe I made a mistake sending him another reply (though, as always, it was only friendly)… and then the latest one I sent him he has said that last night he “dreamed about me” (I daren’t ask the nature of the dream), that when I reach my “grief-free horizon he will be there to meet me”, that he is “interested in me”, and in response to me mentioning dizzy spells he says that he has a cure and he said “Am I worried; Jesus I’ve just found you!!”…. and he too has invited me to a classical concert where he wants to dance with me! Oh good grief. So I have had to send him another reply saying that I have significant worries already in my life, that I can’t cope with any more worries, and that some of his comments make me feel like a frightened rabbit in the path of an oncoming car! I wonder if that’ll do the trick? I have tried to soften the blow, saying I look forward to talking about some other things, etc. We will see…
Do all girls have these problems????