The weekend my parents finally met the daughter they thought they would never have!

At the end of my last blog post I hinted at the events of the weekend that has now just gone. Twice a year my parents come to visit me, once in September and once in April – last September they visited someone that they have always considered to be their son and at the end of October 2014 I told them that in actual fact that was not the case and due to Gender Dysphoria I consider that I am a girl; their initial responses made me wonder whether I would ever see them again. But as time went on they have slowly come to terms with my news, learnt about my condition, and accepted me… and so their April visit went ahead this year.

Friday evening at 6.45 my parents eased up my driveway in their car and pulled up near the house; I was still cleaning, and so I anxiously stepped out of the back door and approached the car as they got out, my Dad a bit ahead of my Mum. I said hello and Dad said I looked very nice… and then he hugged me for, as far as I recall, only the second time in my life since my age hit double figures; and he gave me a little kiss on the side of my head, my first ever! Then my mum and I had a long hug, for over a minute, and we both sniffled a few tears – after a while she said “You know we both love you, don’t you” and I replied “I always hope so”… and after that everything was pretty much the same as it always was, except that I was a bit more chatty and so much happier than I have ever been with them before; unfortunately one thing that was also the same as normal was my mum’s use of pronouns, as she mis-gendered me a few times… and so I said that every time she did so I would call her ‘Mummy’ which I know she does not like. The evening flew by though, we caught up, watched some television, chatted, and all too soon it was time for bed; my mum said my nightie and nightgown were very swish… which made up for her earlier criticism that my make-up was ‘a bit obvious’… though as I have a facial hair issue to cover up then what does she expect… and compared to her make-up, which consists of pale blue eye-shadow and nothing else, then I suppose it is relatively obvious.

Saturday was a lovely sunny day and so I decided to wear a day-dress… the first time my parents have seen me wear anything but trousers. In the morning we went shopping into my nearest town, Banbridge, where my parents bought some natural herbal remedies while I acquired yet more shoes. Then we went to the nearby outlet, where I picked up a clothing order from Peacocks, we all went into a Clarkes shoe shop, and then went to Tesco… where my mum’s mis-gendering got a bit much – on the one hand when we were passing the ladies clothes she said “I bet you’re dying to look at the clothes” which was quite funny, but in the homewares area she said to my dad “he found a sugar bowl” (rather than ‘she’) and, rather worse, when we were queuing  up at  the checkout they paid for a few of things of theirs first and once they had been scanned by the guy my mum said “the rest is his”, indicating my stuff… and my heart sank; I had a word with Dad about it once home, and he tried to suggest that with the noise of the shop the checkout guy probably hadn’t noticed… but what if he did? I shop there regularly; sigh. In the afternoon I said my mum could choose a nail polish colour for me if she wanted from my selection, as she wasn’t that keen on the colour I already had on, and so she did. Later, when I was in the garden mowing the lawns Dad was having a wander around and he said he liked my ‘gardening outfit’; my mum had said she liked the top, but she doesn’t like my girlie wellies. In the evening mum and I made dinner and, as she had dressed up to eat after her bath as had my dad, I decided to do the same, and so I put on the navy lace panelled dress that I wore recently to the Plough (see previous posts) – when he saw me Dad said “Ooh, very nice!” while Mum merely said “Oh you are a big girl”… but at least she labelled me as a girl. At the end of the evening Dad kindly reiterated my appearance,  saying “Andrea, I really must say you looked very nice this evening” and mum simply matter-of-factly said “I agree”, then he said I would be very smart and elegant in any restaurant. Again we enjoyed nice hugs goodnight… which were a bit premature as I decided to try on some of my Peacocks dresses, going into their bedroom to show them a couple – they both liked one, the other one Dad also liked (complimenting the pattern) while Mum said it was too short… even though it was only an inch above the knee.

Sunday was a quiet enough day, but very enjoyable. In the morning we went for a gentle walk along a canal tow path near my home, somewhere where we have been quite a number of times before – previously I have sometimes found such a walk with them tiresome, especially with their slow pace, but this time it was just wonderful to be out, enjoying one of our favourite pastimes together… but with me as myself and totally at home with them. After walking a mile and a half we sat on a seat near a lovely lake chatting… and as we were about to go I asked if they would take a photo of me with each of them, as it was their first time with the new-look me – they happily agreed, and took their own too, and then we walked back; we paused at a gate where a couple were watching some wild rabbits, and we talked with them for a while. In the afternoon mum asked for a look at my jewellery, which I happily agreed to. Later Dad asked if he could take some photos of me outside – can he ever! I readily agreed of course, and he took quite a few, with my mum watching (see below). I had a quiet word with my Dad, and one of the things I said to him was how very grateful I was that he has made such a huge effort to address me always with my new name and with correct pronouns; he said Mum finds it difficult to get used to anything new at all… and of course this situation is still quite new to her. He said that “he liked everything that I wore and, as a man, could see what men might find attractive in me”! Isn’t he just great! He also said that when we had been out shopping it was obvious how confident and happy I was; I of course thanked him for his kind comments. I changed into another dress for dinner and once again Dad complimented me… and so we headed outside for another photo shoot! After dinner we played cards, during which we discussed my brother and his difficulty in coming to terms with me – mum said that he had been very upset after returning from the holiday when I had told him about the real-me… though they had not said anything about it to me at the time. I said that I was surprised at his ongoing difficulties considering an early, general chat that I had had with him about LGBT when he gave me the view of being very open-minded… though it’s different I guess when it’s your own family; in a previous post I have pondered various peoples reactions, which were not all as anticipated… mostly on the positive side. She also said how upset she had been at the news too, and I said that was why I had sent her flowers – Dad said to her that she was okay now though, and she said that now she has met me “and seen how beautiful you are” then not at all; aw, thanks Mum!

Alas that night we said goodbyes, as they were leaving very early the following morning – we had big hugs, and then my Dad said to me “It was lovely to finally meet the daughter we thought we’d never have”… and that is the FIRST time I have ever seen true, moving emotion on his face for just a few seconds, and of course I got emotional too at being labelled their ‘daughter’ and gave him another big hug, getting all sniffly after a while.

So that was my first weekend with my parents as Andrea, my true self. Apart from the mis-gendering from mum, it was a great success. I partly refer to many of the compliments I received to record just how wonderful the time was, partly of course because I love compliments (what girl doesn’t)… but it also highlights another difference between my mum and my dad – Dad complimented me so many times, and in virtually everything I wore, whereas Mum criticised quite a few little things and was not that forthcoming with compliments; maybe that is because she is still coming to terms with me as a girl. Anyway, I am looking forward to when we next meet… and they are already talking about when I can visit them, albeit trying to factor in how my brother will cope with it all.

Predictive Parenting…? My daughter may be on the way back to me…

In previous posts I have detailed how various people that I have known have reacted to the news that I am a woman, and how they have come to terms with it… or not as the case is, at least for now, for both my brother and my daughter. For both of them it is because they have not been encouraged to talk about it with anyone and, for my daughter, at the same time as trying to come to terms with me being a woman she is also dealing with her own hormones. As with everyone, I need to give them all the time they need, help them if I can, and hope they will eventually come back to me.

As for my brother, I don’t have any idea how he might come back to me. Now, he hasn’t rejected me as such, and emails me about once a week, but he is having difficulty coming to terms with the fact that he has lost a brother and gained a sister. Perhaps I am hoping that when my parents come over and stay with me in April, they will report back to him after their stay in a very positive fashion and it will bring him to his senses.

My daughter’s relationship with my ex- is very up and down. On the one hand their relationship is as close as one would expect between a mother and child where they spend much time together. On the other hand I consider that my ex- treats her like a slave with little reward and is very strict with her – she has to do a lot of chores (including vacuuming the whole house weekly and ironing their clothes, for example) and she is only allowed to do one outing with a friend per month, either going to a disco or going shopping down town.

In October 2013 while I was working late at night in Dublin I had a call from my daughter begging for me to come and get her because she “couldn’t live there any more” with my ex- and that she hated her; this was after they had a big argument after daughter was late coming home from being out playing/chilling, and my ex- had left her at their house and stormed off in the car after an argument that included physical contact with my daughter. From Dublin I was on the phone while I was trying to work for about an hour, listening to my daughter pleading with me as I tried to calm her down, sending texts to my ex- to try and diffuse the situation, and phoning the mother of my daughter’s BFF to arrange for my daughter to come over for the night if my ex- did not return home; I could not leave as I had missed the last train. Anyway, after all that phoning, my ex- eventually returned home and things calmed down.

So when I told my daughter about my feminine self at the very start of 2015, my pre-amble for this news served to remind her that I am not so strict, I don’t get her to do loads of chores, I let her do things with more frequency than my ex- does, and that I love her loads. When it shortly subsequently became clear that she would have difficulty coping with me being a woman (hardly a surprise), I clearly remember voicing the opinion to friends that I would give her all the time and support that she needed, but that I half-expected that the turning point could well be the next time my ex- and my daughter had a big bust-up…

…and last night that is exactly what happened! As is usually the case, these bust ups are partly my daughter’s fault, and frequently because she withholds the truth from my ex- because she knows the response will be in the negative. Yesterday evening my daughter wanted to go to a St Patrick’s Day disco, especially because it was the birthday of one of her friends, but because of a previous argument where my ex-who  said she would not be allowed to go to such a disco for a whole year (which seems extreme punishment to me) then she did not tell my ex- and was at her BFFs house ready to go… except that BFF’s mother rang my ex- about the disco, at which point my ex- hurtled over to collect my daughter and a big argument ensued…

…after which I got a load of phonecalls from my daughter!! I missed three of them as the phone was at the other end of the house, and then I heard the next one, ran over to get the phone, and when I saw it was her phoning I answered, took a deep breath, and spoke in my best girlie voice… and there was my daughter, sobbing at the other end of the phone, saying “I can’t live here any more… I hate her… I’ve had enough”, and so on. I talked to her softly, got her to explain to me what had happened, explained that I have told her before that she has to be honest and not lie, because it only makes matters worse between her and my ex-. Then I said to her that I hoped she didn’t mind my new voice, and she said that she didn’t. I said I understand that she finds our situation difficult to understand, and that I hope that she will go to counselling and she said that she will. I asked her if she ever talks about the situation, and she doesn’t… which is where the counselling must surely help, because at the moment her head is glued up with it. But I asked if she is sleeping better, and she is. I mentioned that my ex- said to me that my daughter sees no point in seeing me… but my daughter said that she never said that. I then said that in January my ex- said that daughter didn’t want to see me again, but my daughter said that she didn’t mean forever, only that weekend. After some time she calmed down a bit… and I eventually got cut off, due to poor signal…

…at which point I noticed a text had arrived from my ex- saying “If you want her, come and pick her up”, and of course I would have loved too… except it is not quite as simple as that. For a start, I had had a drink, and so could not drive to pick her up; not an insurmountable problem. But my ex- had previously told me that I could not see daughter until she had started counselling, which is sensible, and it would also not be wise for daughter to immediately meet the new-me without even knowing what I look like, and preferably until my ex- has met the new-me first, as suggested by my clinic; it could just make matters worse. The situation concluded itself by my ex- obviously having some word with my daughter after all those calls and texts from me, and daughter reluctantly agreed with my ex-‘s plan to go away to some family cottage for the weekend, and I gave her some suggestions on how to have a good time… because daughter said that she would be totally bored as my ex- just “spends the whole time in bed”.

Anyway, to me it seems quite a good step up has happened here in bringing my daughter and myself back a bit closer together – there’s still much to do I am sure, but my hopes are higher.

X

Week 2 As A Woman Completed, My Office Sees my Legs… and, in fact, Living A Dream

As I write, I am on Day 15 of my Real Life Experience (RLE), and have just completed my first 5-day week at my office as my true, female self. The words ‘true self’ really do ring true to me, because life spent full-time as a lady really feels totally magical, and yet totally normal, and it feels rather longer than two weeks that I have been doing this… but in a good way, as though everything that I now am doing as a girl should have always been done as such. Maybe this is why, along with all my preparation for going full-time and lesson learned during last year, I have been living 24/7 and I have not actually had a stare or negative comment or anything in NINE days; I think that is pretty good going, even though I say so myself. Maybe that is because my confidence is through the roof… and maybe that is because I am finally living life as I should have done all along.

Here is a (quite detailed) summary of events of my past working week:

• Monday – up until this week, going back to work on a Monday after a weekend away from the drudgery of work has been a real struggle… especially if I had spent the weekend as ME doing girlie things and having to kick myself off a cliff and muddle along at work as that other ‘male’ person, who at this stage seems so oddly distant. But this Monday was surprisingly different from so many previous Mondays, and that was because, as usual since I went full-time, I got up and I felt EXCITED about life, going to work was another day of being me to look forward to, and there was no struggle! A while after getting to work I popped down to see Mary, Miss Fashionista of the department, and had a good natter; we talked about my forthcoming lunch with another woman in the department, and when I said I would feed back some gossip (to a limited extent) she said “good girl!”. A little later I bumped into a lady called Niamh, who I have known for years, and had a great chat with her – she said “you look great, and are showing up the rest of us!”. Another woman called Elaine, who I have to say dresses so very casual at work, said something similar… and maybe they are right, but I love to look smart. In the afternoon I had a good chat with Kenny, the guy who sits beside me; he’s really nice!
• Tuesday – at the station I went past the ticket office to head for the platform when the station head-ticket officer called after me, asking where I was going – I have been passing him, and chatting to him, for 15 years… and he does not recognise me! Tee hee! The following observation is not in any way a kind of thrill sensation, but more of an observation and something that makes me feel happy with my new body… even if it’s not all natural yet – I was riding on the train at speed, and I am sure I have become more observant about lots of things, but one thing that suddenly occurred to me was just how lovely it is to feel ones breasts gently shifting with the movement of the train! As I say, there is no thrill or excitement behind this, it is just an awareness of my body, and how I LOVE everything about it! When I got to work, I had to go to a different office as I have temporarily moved to a different building owing to a critical project I am working on; so that was a whole new set of people to present in front of… and I was not anxious at all. In fact, the head of the IT project on the vendor side said ‘Hi’ to me for the first time ever… even though he knew of me for a year. In the afternoon I had a really fab chat with a lady called Carol in the office building I used to work at, who I met for the first time after going full-time – she said I “look great” and “my eye make-up is really good”. We had fun chat about shoes and fashion, and I left changing into my ballet pumps to save my poor feet from walking in heels back to my new base. After posting my final coming-out letter to a friend, I headed on, eventually crossing a walk-bridge over the Liffey river… where I stopped halfway to give some coins to a homeless couple that I have known for a while and chat to quite often. Putting the money in their cup, the couple thanked me… and then I said “I don’t suppose you recognise me”, and they didn’t. I mentioned a few things that I had done in the past with them, including giving the guy a couple of pieces of cake shortly after his birthday, and eventually it twigged when they asked what my name was and I said “Well, it’s Andrea… now”. They were really nice, said that I was brave to be true to myself, and they were complimentary about my looks; the girl really liked my nails. That night I stayed down in Dublin at a guest house called the Townhouse, as the next day I had to leave early, and so I did a couple of extra hours work and saved myself four hours of commuting. I checked in, and all was okay; I was asked for ID, which was odd for Ireland, and I had to say that I didn’t have any as I was in the process of applying for a new passport and driving license. I checked into my room…. and Little-Miss-Fussy immediately went back down to reception to complain about the terrible amount of noise from the TV in the room next door, and so they gave me another room which was better. I dropped my stuff on the bed and went out to buy supper… as well as yet another hairbrush, as I had left my ‘normal’ one at work. While I was at the supermarket, a guy got in my way, but apologetically said “Sorry dear”!
• Wednesday – having set out everything to get ready the night before, with most stuff in an organised long line atop an old fireplace in the room, I managed to get fully ready 10 minutes quicker than normal, and went down for a cooked breakfast… which was rather staid and ordinary. When I checked out, the guy on reception said “Good morning my dear” and then addressed me as “me dear” again when I had handed over the key and bid him farewell. At work a nice young girl called Fiona sat next to me for a while, until it became obvious that the network cable/port at that desk was faulty. As soon as I took my coat off to reveal my black lacy chiffon top she said “Your top’s gorgeous!”, and when our Project Manager came over she said that her network connection was faulty but pointed to my PC and said “her’s is okay”; so great to be naturally addressed as a female! Later I had loads of chat with her about make up, morning routines, and so on. I had some fun jokey chat with some guys about how long it takes their colleague to make a good cup of tea, and then I had some nice chat with a really pleasant girl called Natalie who I have never had anything to do with until going full-time, which I find remarkable – we chatted about how warm it was on the floor, and how she is spraying herself with deodorant every five minutes, I said I was thinking about wearing a dress the next day to see if it was more comfortable and she encouraged “go for it!”. In the afternoon I went for my latest Gender Clinic appointment, which was positive enough… especially with hormones being mentioned for the first time; I get slightly perturbed with my psychologist who now and again keeps going on about “well, if we’d worked together more and done things over a period of time”… because frankly it just doesn’t work like that, they should know that everyone is different – my journey rocketed over the last year and although I managed to keep control of it the speed of acceleration astounded me. Afterwards I met up with my lovely BFF Kirsty for a coffee and chat, popped over to support group HQ and waited outside to say a quick hello to friend Michelle, and then went home happy with a cucumber that Kirsty bought for me when asked; WHY she thought it was a joke I don’t know… but I have eaten it with my salad tonight and it was just fine!
• Thursday things just got better at work, girlie-wise… and this was perhaps partly because for the first time IN MY WHOLE LIFE I went into work without wearing a pair of trousers, but instead a smart dress. Natalie said, a couple of times, the dress was “gorgeous”, and we had a real long chat all about shoes, with me getting some good tips from her. A little later my colleague and I were talking about the number of software fixes we had to deliver, and he said to our manager that he “had three and she has two”… so I loved hearing him labelling me as female. I went over to my old building to do a few things, and decided to pop into see a business manager I did work for up until a couple of year ago for some time – we had some really good chat, she said the usual stuff about how brave I was (which is always nice to hear), and went onto say how “fab” I looked, how “lovely my eyes are, and what great legs I have… compared to her tree trunks!”… and she is not at all over-weight. I popped up a floor to see Audrey for a couple of things, who said my dress was lovely, and later to see Joan (recruitment girl, mentioned in a few previous posts) who was the first person I came out to work to, and she also said how great I looked, and we had some good catch-up. As I started to head back I got a text from Breda, who saw the real me for the first time last Thursday, who said that Natalie told her that I was wearing a dress and looked “really pretty” – isn’t that nice!!! Made me feel wonderful! And when I got back to my office building Breda was there and said that the dress was lovely! SOOO good to get compliments – I NEVER, EVER had this many in my former life… and I’m only just into week 3!!
• Friday 13^th– unlucky for some… but not me! YET another fab day at work! Today I was determined to wear a skirt and, as it was smart-casual day, I wore the Next skirt (that made its debut at the Ulster Museum with Kirsty which I posted about a few weeks ago) and a light polo top, over a lovely short slip, teamed with ankle boots. I enjoyed an early conversation with Natalie, who said my outfit was “very cute”, where we had some more fun shoe/boot chat, and later saw Breda who said gave me a very positive up-and-down look and said “Hmm, very nice!” We met in the kitchen over coffee and I commented that her top was nice and where did she get if from? She said Oasis, and then I commented that I went into an Oasis store a few weeks ago and thought their latest range had some lovely tops and she said “You’re such a girl” with a warm laugh; I said that I used to shop at Primark and she said “Oh no, you’re a lady now, you can’t do that any more!” I sent a quick email to Audrey wishing her a good weekend, and had a nice reply, which said “That dress you had on yesterday was absolutely fab!”. I popped out about 2.00pm for a wrap at a store not too far away, and was served by a really cheery girl at the till. Later in the afternoon my Project Manager sent an email to Fiona and I asking us to do something and the email was addressed “Ladies”! HOW lovely I felt. Late in the afternoon I managed to fix some urgent things and got on really well, and in a conference call that my boss pulled me into he started off on his usual speech with only half of the facts and I soon overrode him and managed to take control of the conversation, all in my girlie voice… and I felt SO confident! The train journey home was uneventful, though as I went to get off I saw one of the guys in my department and as always I made an effort to have a little chat with him and wish him a good weekend.

Not for the first time I got home, exited the car, and, with a full five-day week concluded at work as ME, I jumped for joy and giggled as I put the key in the door, feeling on top of the world and full of glee.

Life has never felt this good! And that is why what I have done is 100% right!

X

Changing Views Of Me… and was I really ever anything other than a woman?

I suppose most of my posts that I write on my blog are along the lines of “this is what’s happened over a period of X days, and I felt emotions A, B, C…” and so on, along with the occasional selfie or two. And, for me, that has all been very well, it preserves memories of some really special times, and special people. I also up to now have written about the vast majority of activities done and time spent while presenting as the real me, because those were such high points in my otherwise dull and unhappy life. But now? Well, now, I’m me ALL the time… and SO much of my life every day is such a real joy! I can hardly write about ALL that I do now as Andrea… because that’s 24/7, and you’d all no doubt nod off if I wrote about it all.

So I thought I would pause in the diarying and reflect on a couple of things. Everyone is different… and thus the people that now know about Andrea (which is very nearly EVERYONE that knows me) have not all reacted the same. Some have taken quite a while to get used to the idea, many (especially at work) have taken to me instantly… and others not, and of course there is my daughter who is awaiting counselling and currently does not want to see me again:

• My brother was the first person that I came out to, way back in September… and although our emails are ongoing and largely unphased it turns out that after all this time he is still trying to get used to the idea of me as a girl. One reason for this is that he does not talk to ANYONE about it, thus any thoughts he has about it are in his head and not channelled to anyone that can help.
• My parents were the next people who I came out to. Their initial reaction was utmost shock, and it took them weeks to communicate coherently about it to me, then with a tonne of questions that I replied to as honestly and openly and helpfully as I could. Two months after I told them about me, it was Christmas Day, when I received my first email addressed “Dear Andrea”, a Dorothy Perkins e-giftcard for me to buy girlie clothes… and now they have photos of me that they have commented on very favourably and we are back to phone conversations. So, my ageing parents, having recovered from initial shock, have way-overtaken my supposedly open-minded brother in their acceptance of me.
• Two old friends immediately accepted me… proving that they are indeed true friends.
• My daughter is in email contact with me, largely around presents for her forthcoming birthday (typical teenager)… but other than that she cannot take this on board as yet, poor thing.
• My ex- was initially rather positive and seemingly open-minded about my situation… but has now become less positive, blaming purely my transsexual femininity on the break up of our marriage… even though I suppressed it as much as I could at that time… and even though the legal process concluded that it was a no/equal fault break-up.
• My boss was initially very supportive of me, although rather naive about the difference between a TS and a CD… but at this point, now that I am full-time, he seems to be becoming less supportive, or at least less sensitive, about this significant, psychological life-change that I am going through and is getting ready to pile stress and pressure back onto my work life as if nothing has changed… and I am worried I just will not be able to take this.
• The vast majority of my work colleagues have been instantly accepting, and in only seven working days it has been really interesting watching the relationship between us evolve and, in some cases, blossom. People I have never had much dealings with up to now suddenly talk to me and we have good conversations. A girl I have never had much to do with has invited me to lunch… and her power-figure facade has fallen away, at least with me, and she has shown a sensitive side.

So all of those comparisons and observations are what I think of as changing views, generally positive, but sometimes becoming either less so or progressing slower than expected. All this does not mean I will push anyone, I am not a pushy person, I want people to come to accept me in their own time… as long as it takes for them to do so.

Today (Wednesday 11th Feb) is only Day 13 of me living full-time as a woman… and yet today I was thinking about the past… and, well, maybe I have a goldfish memory, but as the days go on it is already becoming difficult to believe firstly that I carried on so long pretending to be some ‘guy’ that people thought they knew, and secondly that I was ever really ‘male’ at all. Of course, if I think harder, then of course I realise that I did go through life life that, conforming to people’s expectations because I was afraid to do anything else. And, if I am honest with myself, I know I do have some good memories even when I was living as a ‘male’… but all the really vivid, happy memories that immediately spring to mind are of life as Andrea over the past year when I REALLY started to live life with no boundaries… and almost everything that I do now is SUCH fun, I notice so much more, so many interactions are more fulfilling, and I take less for granted.

The ONE person who I don’t feel happy dealing with at the moment is my boss – I don’t know whether that says more about me or him, I have not had a lot of time with him since I started my RLE… but the main problem I feel is that he continues to be a workaholic (who is far too dedicated to work to the detriment, at least time-wise, to his family… even if he may well be a fine parent) with the expectation that everyone else adopts a similar attitude to work; he generally treats people like commodities who fulfil an end-game for his own objectives, and I don’t think that is right. But he is possibly at least partly caught up with the general attitude going around in my company at the moment, which is the abuse of people’s personal time, leading to many poor work-life balances.

So I sign off feeling fulfilled with every-day life… and yet a little anxious about what the future holds at work.

X

My first week at work… as a woman!

As per previous blog posts, on the 30th January I started living the rest of my life as a woman, and on Tuesday 3rd January I went into work for the first time as my true self… as Andrea!

In summary, pretty much the whole four days have been absolutely magical, and as I sit here typing away on a Friday evening, life feels better than it ever has done! People have generally been incredible, in their supportiveness and kindness… and I’m sorry if I come across as at all big-headed when I quote some of the things that people have said, but this is the most astonishing week of my life and I’m afraid I have to preserve some of the commentary because some of it has bowled me over.

Tuesday morning I woke to the alarm I had set for myself at 6.45am, in order to hopefully give myself plenty of time to get ready… as well as cope with the wintry weather. Once up I jumped in the shower, feeling alive, not at all nervous, and with purpose; it took me a typical 90 minutes from out-of-bed to out-of-the-door, including a bit of handbag packing, but I left feeling happy with my work-look. The house didn’t really warm up that much the whole time I was getting ready… and I found out why when I got in the car and set off, with the temperature reading -6.5C! I drove slowly along my country roads until the dual carriageway, when a normal speed still got me to the station 5 minutes earlier than expected. I locked the car, and set off across the car park to the station… and felt absolutely bizarre and yet incredible too, heading to the station just as I have done for years… but finally presenting as the woman inside of me. With time to spare I just had to indulge in the novelty of using the ladies toilets at the station, and then showed my ticket to the station inspector… a guy who I have done the same to for years and years, and yet he did not notice any trace of the old-me in the new one. I did not have long to wait on the platform before the train arrived, and I boarded and found a two-seater row to myself, took my coat off, and sat… feeling just so natural to be living my life as me. The first half of the journey I spent catching up with emails and so on… and, refreshing one of my email addresses, I noticed an email from my daughter… the daughter that doesn’t want to see me again! The email simply said “Hi!”… but at least it is a start, and so I sent a quick email back to her, hoping for a response. I also had an email from HR telling me to delay my arrival by half an hour as she would not be out of a meeting to receive me. The latter half of my journey I closed my eyes to get a bit of rest… and soon felt a sense of total inner peace, as though I had reached some part of my soul not ever previously encountered.

At Dublin I alighted from the terminated train, for the second time as Andrea… but for the first time it was to go to work. I went to the ladies toilet, and then to an Insomnia coffee outlet to kill some time before I had to be at work. I ordered a coffee and a scone and, after paying, waited in-line for my drink; presently I was at the front of the queue and the manager of the barrista said “the mocha is for the lady”… which was me, and that was a good pre-cursor to my arrival at work.

There is a railway bridge over the street shortly before my office, it has three arches, a middle one for traffic and two small outer ones for pedestrians – as I walked through one of these outer arches I could see my office in front of me… but rather than feel nervous I felt a joyous exhilaration that I was finally there as me. I walked through the front doors, past reception, and to a break out area where I phoned the HR girl. While I waited for HR, one of the reception women came up to me and asked if she could help and I simply said that HR were on the way down; she had obviously not recognised me… which is good. HR soon arrived, with a warm smile on her face, and sat next to me and welcomed me, saying how fab I looked; I wore a silvery white satin top with a black and grey butterfly pattern, black work trousers, a smart black cardy, and black ankle boots. She talked a bit about my journey to becoming a full-time woman over the past year, a bit about the schedule to come, and at times I almost burst into tears, so amazed that for the first time in 15 years I was at my company’s office as Andrea. We went to get a photo done for my new security card, which looks reasonable, and then a couple of IT managers (one my boss) came down and explained about my new logins and so on. Eventually we went up to my floor and, after bumping into a colleague who wished me well, I walked all the way along the floor to my desk; a guy called Gerry said ‘Hello’ and indicated they wouldn’t make any fuss but just let me settle in, but I soon had a bit of chat with them because the girl who works for him was wearing the very same blouse that I had worn the Friday beforehand to lunch with my boss, and so I negotiated with her that I would wear it on Mondays and she could wear it any other day. There was an amount of laughter, and then I settled at my desk and entered into a really long chat with Kenny who sits next to me… which started with me saying “Well, you know last week when you said to me ‘I know you’re a male’, well, as it turns out, you weren’t correct!”. After him I then had an equally long chat with a young girl before being taken out to lunch by a colleague I have known for some time; we only had soup, but it was nice to be treated to lunch, and he held the door open for me everywhere we went.

In the afternoon I had a long chat with a consistently fashionable girl called Mary… who said I looked “amazing” – she said my nails were glamorous, much better than hers, and seemed astonished at the detail I went to with my jewellery too. Alas it was then time to do some work… but logging in as Andrea was really quite nice, and all I had to really do that afternoon was check what accesses I was missing and arrange it; I also had several people come over to offer support… and general amazement at “my bravery”. I was happy enough not to get an early train, and so left to get a train arriving at 8.15pm at Newry, where I got off with many others, just another girl heading home from a long day at the office. That was my first day at work as Andrea… and it was utter joy!

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On Wednesday the journey was similar to work… except that I thought I would treat myself to a cup of tea from the passing trolley, which sat and cooled while I touched up my make up at my seat… such a girlie thing to do, and rather a novelty. Walking towards the office in heels, I was amazed at how much they echoed as I walked through the office complex near the station… but it sounded great.

Outside my office was a guy I have known for years, and a colleague of his that I didn’t… and as I got close to him it dawned on him that the new-me was before him, and lovely chat ensued. Once inside at the lifts I bumped into another lady I have known for some time, who was really supportive. I walked up the stairs to my floor, feeling just a little nervous, but once at my seat I was okay. I had a nice email from a lovely lady called Audrey so, after breakfast, I popped down to see her… but she was in conversation with someone else and so I had a wee chat with Mary again, who complimented me on my top; Audrey then came over, and the three of us had some nice chat… including a bit of bitching! At lunchtime I popped to the canteen to get a wrap and, once again, the sound of my heels on the tiled floor was astonishing. The canteen manager, who had been briefed about me, was nice and said I looked good… but on the way back to the lifts I passed a guy from IT who I have known for some time and he did not look happy to say anything to me; oh well, can’t please everyone. But back at my desk I received another email from Audrey saying “I hope you won’t be offended when I say that you look AMAZING” – I wrote back, thanked her, and said “Why would I mind you saying that? I’m a girl, I love compliments”!

The train home was uneventful, but great at the same time, as usual the guard checked my ticket… and I doubt he recognised me. Later in the evening a meal had been planned, so with time to kill I went to Tesco to do a small food shop – as I queued at the till I overhead some talk with customers in front, who obviously knew checkout girl, that she was going away… which allowed me to subsequently launch into a full conversation with her about it, she was going on a mystery tour to a to-be-announced European destination, it all sounded very exciting. I could have popped home for a short while before dinner out, but I did not bother… because for the FIRST time in my life, I did not need to go home to change into my female clothes… as I was already in them! So I surfed the net for a wee while in Tesco, and then drove to Lisburn and parked at the leisure complex shortly before 8.00pm.

With a bit of texting and waiting my friends Kirsty and Michelle arrived and I exited the car to meet them and, after quick hugs, we went to Ed’s Bar & Grill for a return visit – I had suggested having a meal out to celebrate my first Wednesday living full-time as me. We had a lovely meal, though passed on dessert this time, and parted at about 9.50pm with those lovely girls treating me to my dinner – the two of them were returning to support group HQ… but, due to it being my first time being full-time with the pair, it really didn’t seem right to accompany them to the safety of HQ, and so I went home with the intention of getting to bed early.

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Arriving at the station on Thursday morning there seemed to be some issue with the trains, and confusion over platforms. I hastily showed my ticket and was about to go to my usual platform when an inspector behind me said “Where are you going to love?” Well, I told him, and he directed me to another platform where we presently boarded.

During the morning at work I bumped into Mary and, after a quick chat, another lady I have known for some time called Elaine was passing us but behind me – Mary pointed her out to me, and when I turned to her Elaine’s face looked rather aghast, and she gave me a hug! Then we had a long chat and, although she got my name wrong a couple of times (but immediately corrected herself), it was good to chat. I bumped into another couple of guys immediately afterwards, one of whom really surprised me and was really nice, and when I got back to my desk there was an email from a girl called Karen I have not really known to talk to at all asking if all was okay – during the day, a really nice email conversation ensued, with a possible lunch date on the cards.

Kenny was heading off for an early lunch… and asked me if I wanted to accompany him. Oooh, yes please! So we walked about 10 minutes to a lovely cafe, where we had lovely toasted continental sandwiches and a seriously good mocha for me; we were there nearly an hour, and had a lovely time, talking quite a bit about his musical career. Once we had returned, I had to join a conference call to discuss a certain work topic – I was slightly nervous, but got on fine, and with my best girlie voice I said a few things; a nice, big cuddly bear of a guy called John was on the call and, after I had said something, he was asked a question by someone and he had to ask them to repeat it as he said he was “away with the fairies”… which will become relevant later on.

At 5.30pm my project manager had scheduled a meeting at another building but, as his previous meeting was over-running, I suggested I would go on ahead of him, which I did. I was hoping that I would be able to meet a lovely lady called Breda when I got there (who I had told my news to the previous week), and indeed she was. A guy who works for me let me into the building with his pass, and was really nice to me, and then I walked tentatively up to Breda and said a soft ‘Hello’ – she turned around, said “oh my goodness”, and gave me a hug… and then sat me down opposite her and took a good look at me. Now, she is a pretty woman herself, but she was overflowing with compliments to me about so many things, she was literally astounded, and as we got into conversation she said “oh my god, even your mannerisms, and your voice…”. For some reason she thought I would be blonde… and, as it was rather hot in the room, I started taking my jacket off and she started to say “I bet you’ve got lovely arms t- oh my god, you have!” A while later she said “You really ARE beautiful!” and I had to tell her that if she said much more I would burst into tears. She then told me that once John had got off the earlier conference call that I referred to, he had rushed around to Breda and said “Gosh, she even sounds like a girl!”, which is a good compliment; Breda said he is very excited by it all. I eventually had to join the informal meeting with my colleagues… though literally a couple of minutes later, I took my girlie reading glasses out… and then rushed over to show Breda, and yet again she was almost beyond belief, she said they were lovely and that I had to stay elegant now! After about half an hour of meeting it was time to leave, and so I donned my jacket and coat, and then popped over to Breda who was at the desk of her manger called Tony – I gave a quick apology for the interruption and said goodbye to Breda; later on I got a text from her saying that once I had gone Tony had said “Who is she?”… and when Breda told him a huge jaw dropping moment ensued. So it is going to be really interesting meeting him I think!!! The text ended by saying “Lookin’ good girl!” 🙂

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Friday was smart-casual day at work so I wore berry-coloured leggings and a sheer patterned cream long-sleeved top over a camisole. I also took a more casual handbag… and was astonished by how much lighter it was.

During the morning a girl called Grace from the treasury department was at the coffee station when I got there for some tea. I have never spoken to her before… but she said hi, and offered congratulations and commented on my bravery. She said her colleagues and herself had noticed just how well I walk in heels, and how much more confident I walk now, how nice I walk without rushing around. So that was nice!

After lunch I popped to HR and saw the lady who had arranged everything for my transition over to working as Andrea. She was very nice… and she said that I actually look better than in my selfie photo! Wow! She and another girl also complimented me on my top… which is from Tesco! I returned to my desk to get a lovely supportive email from a girl called Roz… and a lovely email chat ensued.

In the afternoon I emailed Karen to confirm a day for lunch and, after a couple of emails backwards and forwards, we are meeting up next Friday. Then she wrote this – “I saw you briefly early on, and you look AMAZING – I will have to step up my game”! A biological girl saying this about me!!! Alas my boss put a bit of a dampener on the day by ringing me at nearly 6.00pm asking me to start doing some work he had thought up, along with a hint about working next weekend… which he can forget.

The journey home once again was uneventful…. though once off the train I noticed a girl in front of me called Debbie who I have know to chat to at the station on and off for years, but she does not know about the real me. Along the car park I was right behind her, and I thought about saying hello… and then what? But my mouth was dry, it was late… and then the moment was gone. Maybe next time…

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So that was my first week at work, a four-day week at that… but a pretty eventful one, full of acceptance, amazing compliments and support; ya know, people can really surprise you!

Jan 30th 2015 – The First Day of the Rest Of My Life (as a woman)… and quite a few ‘firsts’

So, as per my last post, the person that most people knew, and thought was ‘male’, is no-longer… and life for the real-me, Andrea, commenced today, 30^th January 2015… and of course, for such a special day in my life, I just MUST post about it! That special day was my first day of full-time life living as Andrea… and quite a few firsts were achieved, as you will find out if you kindly read on.

I awoke this morning for the first time in my life in the knowledge that I do not have to do anything as a ‘male’ ever again… and that is because I am not a male. I may have male ‘bits’, but they are a mistake, and in time I hope they will be rectified. I set my alarm to allow a good amount of time to get ready for the day ahead… and, of course, as usual I broke no records – today was essentially a dummy run for going to work next week. My normal 90 minutes for getting ready turned into 100 minutes as I packed my handbag, but I still had more than enough time to drive to Dundalk to catch my scheduled train to Dublin… the first time that I, as my female self, have either been on a train or ventured into the city centre of Dublin.

I parked in Dundalk railway car park and entered the station with nearly 10 minutes to spare. I thought I would give the voice a quick try-out and so I asked the guy at the ticket counter which of the Dublin stations the train was going to; his reply was delivered as if I was any other person and, armed with the required knowledge, I boarded the train which, leaving at 10.10, was quiet enough. The train set off, on time, and I surfed away as it travelled to the next station, Drogheda, where quite a few people got on, including a broad-shouldered guy who sat right opposite me, our faces only a few feet apart… and alas he ‘read’ me. He said “You look well”, which I suppose is a compliment, but I felt that he had detected my transsexual nature and was trying to help my confidence. Some chat ensued, and was nice enough… and then he said that he liked my ankle boots and when I thanked him for the compliment he said that at home he liked to wear knee boots with heels… and I groaned inside, and I just muttered something and then changed the subject. After a couple of stations with a bit more chat he resumed gaming on some console (that Kirsty I am sure could tell me what it was) and I carried on with emails… and then received an email from the lady in HR telling me that the news about me had been communicated to everyone and that…

…the response of support was overwhelming and people wanted to know what they could do to support your transition, it was great to hear and see.

Some people might be a little nervous next week but will try and act as normal so bear with them but everyone I spoke with (and I do mean everyone) was great, so you have lots of support for Tuesday.

I was REALLY pleased to read that, and wrote back to tell her so… and very soon afterwards I had two email from colleagues, one guy and one girl, wishing me good luck and offering their support; it brought tears to me eyes, and I replied with much thanks; it is this kind of major event when you really find out what people are like. Arriving in Dublin the guy opposite me said that it was nice talking to me, and then left me to put my coat on; apart from him, nobody paid me any attention.

I got off the train and immediately had a bizarre feeling – over the last 15 years I have literally alighted at Dublin Connolly railway station THOUSANDS of time… and today it was as Andrea for the first time eve. I walked confidently to the barriers and swiped my annual rail pass (which I have just binned, as it expires end-January… and has my male face on) then, after popping to the ladies, walked along another platform, pausing to take a selfie – hardly the best, but I had to take it quickly. I then took the Dart train (a local electric service) a couple of stations to the south, receiving another ‘good luck’ email from a guy I have known for years, who said it as rather a shock but he had noticed me getting happier over the last year and so ‘it had to be done’; indeed it did.

From Dublin Pearse station I walked along increasingly busy streets to the city centre, to Grafton street which is full of high street names; I texted my boss to tell him I was there, then went into M&S to the ladies followed by a leisurely browse around to kill time while I waited for my 12.30 appointment to arrive… lunch with my boss… AS ANDREA.

So, my boss was the first person I know to meet the new-me now that I am living full-time as a woman. I walked right up to him, as he chatted away on his mobile, and it was only when I was right in front of him saying ‘hi’ did he realise it was me! We walked, chatting away easily enough, and he took me to eat at a place called Farrell & Byrne, which is a bit like a small Fortnum & Masons of London, with a ground floor of up-market food from around the world, with a restaurant above. Boss let me go first up the stairs, and once at the restaurant I took the lead and asked the lady inside the entrance for a table for two; our coats were taken, and then we sat next to each other and browsed the menu. Presently a waiter arrived and said “What can I get you, madam?” so I ordered cauliflour soup with bacon for a starter and chicken with mash in a red wine sauce for main; boss is a vegetarian and he went through the usual interrogation with the waiter to ensure that there was nothing that had been within a thousand miles of the vegetables that would be used to make his lunch. I have to say that lunch with him was pretty good, even if it was interrupted with a number of calls on his mobile, but we had some good chat, and not once did he use my old name. He had to rush to a meeting that did not allow dessert, but that was okay, so we parted there and I browsed around the food hall after a trip to the ladies.

With time to kill before my next appointment I wandered along Grafton Street for a while, and then decided to treat myself to some yummy Belgian chocolates from a place called Leonadis a street or two away… and having eaten two of the chocs today I can confirm that they are well worth the expense! The guy who served me was really nice, with huge discussion about the chocs available, and I departed happy. I ventured into the park at St Stephen’s green and sat for a little while watching the swans, and then walked along Lower Leeson Street to my counsellor.

To-date my counselling in Dublin has been a bit of a dead-loss, covering old-ground with her exhibiting some extreme views about coming out to my daughter. This session was rather more productive however… and positive! First of all, this was the first time she had met Andrea in the flesh, rather than me having to present as a male… and she said I looked absolutely great! I won’t go on about her other compliments, but it made me ponder in discussion with her how my clothing choice reflects me… Andrea – someone who tries to be as lady-like as possible, who is soft and hopefully dainty, and feels very feminine. We talked about all who I had come out to, and she was so very positive about everything and thinks I won’t have much to worry about at work, but made a few helpful suggestions; she was also more reasonable with her views about my daughter, and says that with time and counselling she feels daughter will come around, and she thought my approach with her was good. So, I left very happy… and crossed the road straight into a busy Starbucks for a skinny mocha, before time to head back to the station for my train home.

Contrary to the morning, the train I got home was one of the services that I get EVERY week… and as it was a Friday it was extremely busy – for a minute I was worried I wouldn’t get a seat, but eventually found one in a set of four with three guys occupying the other seats. I received an email from another guy in my department who congratulated me for my bravery, and said he could not imagine how hard it has been for me; how thoughtful! For the hour journey all was completely fine, no attention from everyone, and I got off the train along with a throng of other commuters all exiting the station to our cars.

Once home I hurriedly kicked my ankle boots off my aching feet and made a hot lemon and honey to sooth my throat (which I am a worried I will strain now that I am using my female voice every day)… and then phoned my parents, as arranged with them, for the first time in over three months since they found out I was a woman. They didn’t answer, and I worried that they didn’t want to talk to me after all, so left a message in a moderate Andrea-voice… and in a few minutes they rang back. The first few minutes were slightly awkward for my mum, and I got the impression that she really does not totally approve of the direction in which my life is going; she used my name wrong a couple of times, though did correct it, and I said not to worry and that it was only to be expected, she also used male pronouns a couple of times when talking to my dad and referring to me, but I let it go… but I sensed frustration. My dad, by comparison, was great, he used only my new name, and he did use ‘she’ as well, which I was very pleased about. But on the whole the conversation was reasonably good, and got increasingly light-hearted with some laughter towards the end. We must have talked for a good half-hour, and bid farewell with lots of love.

So, apart from the guy on the first train, who was pleasant but made a point of having noticed me, all was good… and once at Dublin NOBODY, on often busy streets, gave me any kind of look that indicated that they noticed anything other than a woman, I had a good lunch with my boss, the best session with my Dublin-counsellor, and solid support from work… AND telephone contact is now resumed with my parents. All in all, a 95+% successful day… and I am rather happy!

Thanks for reading.

X

My first Christmas Dinner as Andrea… and surprising progress with my parents

You know, I have never been that fond of the run up to Christmas, and this is partly because the only party I ever got invited to was a work do, and there is such an overwhelming emphasis on getting obscenely drunk that it just turns my stomach; this drinking style may suit some of you readers, and that is fine (though I fear for the condition of your liver and skin if such indulgence is on a regular basis), but it is not for me, I have always had a low threshold for being intoxicated by alcohol and so any heavy sessions are just beyond me; I also have a quiet voice, and so I get drowned out conversationally the more drunk people get. In fact, as I write, my office party is occurring tonight, and a guy sitting behind me this afternoon was talking to someone else and said “I intend getting seriously drunk tonight”. WHY?

Anyway, enough ranting, the purpose of the above paragraph is to highlight the difference this year… because, for the first time in decades, I was invited to a non-work Christmas-orientated event, by my two female walking buddies Margaret and Deirdre – it was a meal at a restaurant called Prezzo in the Victoria Square shopping/entertainment centre of Belfast. The meal was at the start of this week, on Monday… and it was absolutely FAB!!! I arrived surprisingly earlier than the scheduled time of 8.30 although, as I approached the restaurant and was about to call Deirdre on my mobile, it became apparent that they were already inside at our table, and so I went in. I was wearing a gold and black top (see right for selfie at the end of the evening once home), smart black embroidered trousers, and black heels with a red winter military-style coat. We said warm hellos, and then I took my coat off and sat down; Margaret said to me “I knew that you would look lovely Andrea, and you do”. Aw, what a nice thing to say. I complimented Margaret on her black velvet outfit in return, it was very smart. Altogether, we were together for almost three hours, and the whole evening was great – I didn’t feel at all nervous, their company was lovely, and we just chatted like good friends with subject matter covering a plethora of topics, from our walking group and its various personalities, places to visit, clothes, wine, family, and so on… as well as a bit of man-bitching too for good measure. The food was pretty good, I had a fried ravioli starter followed by a lobster and king prawn risotto (which tasted much better than it looked), finished off by an amaretto flavoured bread and butter pudding. One amusing part of the evening was the amount of things being spilled, dropped, or smashed – it was almost as if we were in the haunted corner, and it provided some amusement! Margaret spilled her sparkling wine (not once but twice), cutlery was dropped, the bar worker smashed some glasses, and so on. But it was a great night, and at 11.00 it started to draw to an end when we got kicked out of the closing restaurant. We took the escalator down two or three floors and then came to a point where out directions would differ, so we stood around and chatted for 10-15 minutes about Christmas arrangements, including a walking event! Margaret referred to me as a woman in one of her comments which was great, she said “I couldn’t believe this mad woman Andrea getting up so early to get to these weekend walks”. Eventually, after continued merriment, we had to part, with hugs all round, and Margaret called me “dear” as we said goodbye.

By the time I got home, some 45 minutes later, I had already received an email from Deirdre saying what a lovely evening it had been and we must do it again in the new year… and within 12 hours I had a similar email from Margaret. Of course, I was quick to email them both back to say that I would love to do it all again. Oh what fun, and what acceptance – I think Margaret knows I am TS, but I have no idea about Deirdre; whatever, I am overjoyed at this latest success.

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The email traffic between my parents continues with me replying with as much information and assistance as I can in order to gain their understanding. Their last queries-email was somewhat shorter, as they said that many areas of discussion have now been satisfied. They also said that they like my chosen second name, Denise, which I was really happy about. In their closing paragraph, they said that they consider that they may soon be up to phoning me and asking for a photograph or two. So, overall, it appears that my parents are slowly coming round just nicely. Yippee!

My parents surprise me, forthcoming Xmas Events… and November 20th

Considering that my parents are quite old (a fact) and my mother is anti-LGBT they have turned out to surprise me!

On October 25th, out of the blue, my beloved parents received news from me that I am a TS woman and their initial reaction was, unsurprisingly, one of total shock. On 6th November they sent me a huge email with lots of comments, queries, and concerns, in which a few extreme and negative views were also expressed.

On Saturday I replied with an even longer email to them, answering all the queries and points that they raised…. and yesterday morning I received a short initial reply to my response saying that “now the shock has worn off, we found your email informative and reassuring… and can say, now with more confidence, that we would want to continue a relationship with you both during and after the change”! They also say that they “appreciate the intensity of my feelings”. They didn’t go into any depth, and will reply more fully in a few days, but I feel a lot more positive… and maybe they really will accept me!

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Usually the lead up to Christmas is of no interest to me – I am not much of a drinker, and usually all I get invited to is a single work do which involves everyone getting exceedingly drunk and embarrassingly silly… and thus I always avoid them. But this year, things are a little different… because I have been invited to two non-work Xmas dinners already! As Andrea.

• The first event, time-wise, is the most exciting, because it demonstrates total acceptance of me by biological women… seemingly as a friend, either as another biological woman or a TS woman – I have no idea which, but it doesn’t matter. Three weeks ago was the last walk that I went on with my group, and that evening one of the two ladies I chatted to at length sent me an email suggesting I could accompany the two of them on a Xmas meal out. I was so pleased to receive that invite… and, as of last night, the restaurant is booked and arrangements are all made – I am SO excited! One of the ladies sent an email to me and the other lady with the greeting “Hi Girls”! I was SO pleased to be included in this! Maybe one day I will take it for granted, but to be labelled a girl, especially in a non-professional context, means so much.
• The second meal, on the Friday before Christmas, was organised by my friend (Andrea D) who has also invited my two of her female work colleagues and my BF Kirsty. I am looking forward to that too – will give me a good opportunity to really dress up in a posh frock, and boost my spirits before Xmas.

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A disappointment today was that my latest Gender Clinic appointment scheduled for tomorrow afternoon has been cancelled owing to sickness of my counsellor. This is obviously unavoidable, but when one is psyching oneself up for what is almost a test of one’s femininity then it is a trifle disappointing… and nobody likes a disappointing trifle.

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Transgender remembrance day is Thursday, November 20th – please remember it, and wear something purple. The world still needs to be reminded that transgender people, like everyone else, have a right to respect… and some have died trying to earn this respect.