I am nearly 50 years old, and that’s a good enough excuse as to why I can’t remember in fine detail every aspect of my transsexual journey as a woman. The irreversible waterfall moment when I realised exactly what was going on inside my feminine head, and the gender I really am, I still recall with clarity as happening during 2012, and I still recall my early stages of puberty where I began showing an interest in women’s clothes… but the timelines in between are a bit hazy. I had thought up until now that my feminine side only started to mushroom once my marriage ended… but a chore I carried out at home recently highlighted that this is not entirely accurate.
In an effort to tidy up my house a little and also create more space for storing clothes, I decided to empty out a drawer of stuff that had been stashed away without particular attention for many years since my marriage ended – this largely consisted of credit card receipts, that I had accumulated since that time, the perhaps irrational reasoning being that if there was any question over my lifestyle and/or purchases since my separation became legal, or over how much I spent on my daughter, then I would be able to justify it all with receipts as not being in any way lavish. Sounds so irrational I’m sure, perhaps that’s more evidence as to what an unnecessary worrier I am. Anyway, in order to avoid potential identity fraud, I carried out the arduous task of going through every receipt and saving any with full credit card numbers for subsequent shredding… and as this task continued this is where it became a little interesting for me as it confirmed that I made a small number of moderate purchases while I was still married, in 2004. Some receipts also highlight that my purchases of ladies clothes from shops (and not just eBay) began rather earlier than I had thought, for example I have a receipt from M&S from the Christmas sales at the end of December 2006 (the first Christmas after marital separation) for £256.50… and although it did include three pairs of trousers to continue the pretence of living life as male (two pairs of which were returned) the other 15 items were all ladies wear or make-up (three of which were also returned). Another discovery was that below these receipts were a number of women’s magazines (e.g. Bella) that I had kept either the full publication or had torn out pages containing articles about dresses, shoes, or other ladies clothes of the season that took my fancy at that time… and these magazines also all date back to 2004! So, while I was struggling with marriage, where I now realise that in that relationship I was exhibiting many characteristics of a typical woman rather than the man I was supposed to be, my female self was also stirring and starting to reach out… and alas as I write that, I start to feel a bit sick, because it reminds me of a time that I now really want to forget, because it was not me at all, living life as a male person… even if it did allow me to bring my beloved daughter into the world. Of course, as one might expect, few of those purchases from that large receipt now remotely fit into my now well-defined soft, girlie image… and with much weight loss in 2013 none of them fit anyway, whichever of them I still do have boxed away somewhere!
Also, a warning for you girls who are not yet living full-time and are using your credit cards with a male name on for shopping – I came across just a single credit card receipt where my full, former male name, including the title, was actually printed on the receipt!! Now this doesn’t mean that this ever happens nowadays, and in the interests of credit card anti-fraud measures I can’t imagine that it does, but it makes me wonder whether if one is using a credit card in a store if the name on the credit card could potentially come up on the till screen…?