As per my last post, my daughter allegedly doesn’t want to see me again… something which my Gender Clinic counsellor confirmed is hardly an unusual reaction. I will live in hope and with love that my daughter will one day come back to me…
…but I have to get on with my life and, perhaps I sound like a thundering steam train hurtling down the tracks, but I am going to do this with or without anyone who has been a part of my life to-date, however much it saddens me that they have rejected me, however much they mean to me…
…so after two days of a maudlin, melancholy mood following that blunt post from my ex- (see previous post) I awoke on Saturday without my daughter en-residence, adopted a positive attitude, and lived for the day. I broke no records getting ready, and this was partly because I started filling huge bags with unwanted clothes, mostly ‘male’ clothing (ugh) but also now some of my daughters clothes that she has well-outgrown. Her room is a dump, and I have emptied a couple of drawers into which I can put some of the rubble that currently lies on the bedroom floor.
I left the house in a seriously good mood… and this is because I took a quick selfie just before I departed and I am really happy with the result – see right. So, I drove to Banbridge, my nearest town, with an agenda to live life and do normal, every day things, like any other gal. Firstly I stopped at the shoe repairers (or whatever you call them) that I went to previously and left a pair of boots with him to be re-heeled, he was nice to me as before, and gave me a ticket to pick up the boots later. Then I went in a card shop looking for a card for my daughter, and picked a “Thinking Of You” card, although I am not sure when I will send it; I also bought a mug for my Dad (which says “greatest Dad in the world” on it – he well deserves it – and a Christmas present for one of my friends). Then off to the library… a visit which I was rather disorganised for, having left my library card at home, also my USB key… but it gave me the opportunity to interact more – I went to one of the library assistants, who verified my details before giving me my card number, and then I surfed for a while, loading a few photos onto my andrealough34 Flickr page of one of my holidays in 2011. Leaving the library I returned to pick up my boots, then browsed in a couple of clothing stores before getting in the car and driving to Sprucefield shopping centre. At about 5.30 I was quite hungry as I had only had a bowl of porridge for breakfast/lunch, and so I decided to go for another first, a very small one, to eat at the bar in M&S – for some reason I had been a bit apprehensive eating there, perhaps because it is a bar with stools all around a central preparation area, so everyone is looking at everyone else… but of course it was completely fine, nobody paid me any attention as far as I could tell, and I ate a really tasty fish pie there. The staff were very nice, I was addressed as “madam” when I arrived, and on departure I had some pleasant chat with the ‘waitress’ about opening and serving times. I had a bit of a browse, and at 6.50 rang Kirsty, eventually getting through and confirming that I could meet her at support group HQ.
Kirsty and I had agreed, at short notice, for an evening out on the possibility of me not having my daughter this weekend… which, as is apparent, materialised. We went to our local Costa, and had a good long chat and coffee, and then went to the cinema to see Boyhood. Kirsty’s other-half commented that it was quite ironic that us girls were going to see this film, but even if the main character was indeed a boy and it revolved around his progress through teenage years, the film encompassed all of this family including his older daughter, and though it was long it was enjoyable – it was just good to be out with Kirsty as two girls having fun and living life.
Sunday was pretty routine for me, though enjoyable all the same. I continued filling bags of unwanted clothes during the morning, and must have over 20kg at this stage. Sunday afternoon was pure shopping, firstly a Tesco grocery shop in Lisburn (where I encountered a friendly cleaner as I went to the ladies, and later an equally friendly woman at the till), and then I went clothes shopping (AGAIN), though only sale-rail browsing… and left with a few more tops for work, including one I had been looking for for absolutely ages, a long sleeved red top in a thin material to go underneath my black shift dress for only £9. All of the shops I went in I had a bit of chat with the assistants, all were nice, and I went home happy enough.
So, despite the fact that that weekend was supposed to be with my daughter, and despite my sadness from her reaction, I had a pretty good time. Early on in my journey once I started going out as Andrea, someone said that if one wants, neigh, NEEDS to go all the way on this kind of journey, then one has to be prepared to lose potentially everyone that means anything to one – so far, my daughter is my main and in fact only casualty, and as much as I wish she could accept me I must proceed on this journey with or without her, and live life as full as I can… because I have not been doing that for years and years, AND it was indeed HER more than anyone else who commented on my unhappy face. It is time for me to look after my own happiness now, and be there for those that I love with my own love when they are ready to receive it again.