Caged Bird…. or Bursting Chrysalis

Four days of my holiday gone and three nights to go… and this has been the worst one so far, emotionally.

The first part of the title describes how I have felt these past two days, in more ways than one. I am an outdoorsy girl and if the weather is poor, or if I am with someone who refuses to come out with me, then that is how I feel, like a caged bird. It has now been a week since I presented as Andrea, with another week and a half of the same bland, lacklustre persona… and I feel trapped inside of myself… like a caged bird, wishing she were free.

Day 2 of my holiday was the best overall as I went out for a four-hour walk by myself, as brother’s legs were aching a lot after the walk of Day 1 and Day 2 was DD’s choice of activity – she chose the water park, and bro accompanied her, but as the weather was so good I excused myself (I really am not a water babe anyway) and I am SO glad I did as the weather has been dreadful since. I suppose I sound awful saying that time by myself was the best day… but, u see, it was the day when I felt free, when I could walk as girly as I wanted in the mountains, talk to myself in my girly voice, and day-dream without fear of being told off for not paying attention. 

Day 3 I felt caged, but my spirits were not too bad, with some amusing chat with DD… but today, Day 4, has been bad – the weather has been dull and cold but dry, so I did get out for a walk with bro while DD stayed at hotel once I had sorted her with lunch. We were out for about three hours, so I was not physically trapped, but mentally? Unfortunately bro has not yet realised that I just can’t do the historic male routine with him despite me refusing to participate, and I cringe every time he uses a male pronoun – bless him, of course he doesn’t know about Andrea (I think) and so he doesn’t realise the effect it has. But after an hour I got that sensation that has become regular, especially with him, for that reason – Andrea is just bursting to get out, and at any moment I felt like I could burst into tears with him and it would all flood out… and maybe one day I will lose control and that is exactly what will happen.

 

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