Four days of my holiday gone and three nights to go… and this has been the worst one so far, emotionally.
The first part of the title describes how I have felt these past two days, in more ways than one. I am an outdoorsy girl and if the weather is poor, or if I am with someone who refuses to come out with me, then that is how I feel, like a caged bird. It has now been a week since I presented as Andrea, with another week and a half of the same bland, lacklustre persona… and I feel trapped inside of myself… like a caged bird, wishing she were free.
Day 2 of my holiday was the best overall as I went out for a four-hour walk by myself, as brother’s legs were aching a lot after the walk of Day 1 and Day 2 was DD’s choice of activity – she chose the water park, and bro accompanied her, but as the weather was so good I excused myself (I really am not a water babe anyway) and I am SO glad I did as the weather has been dreadful since. I suppose I sound awful saying that time by myself was the best day… but, u see, it was the day when I felt free, when I could walk as girly as I wanted in the mountains, talk to myself in my girly voice, and day-dream without fear of being told off for not paying attention.
Day 3 I felt caged, but my spirits were not too bad, with some amusing chat with DD… but today, Day 4, has been bad – the weather has been dull and cold but dry, so I did get out for a walk with bro while DD stayed at hotel once I had sorted her with lunch. We were out for about three hours, so I was not physically trapped, but mentally? Unfortunately bro has not yet realised that I just can’t do the historic male routine with him despite me refusing to participate, and I cringe every time he uses a male pronoun – bless him, of course he doesn’t know about Andrea (I think) and so he doesn’t realise the effect it has. But after an hour I got that sensation that has become regular, especially with him, for that reason – Andrea is just bursting to get out, and at any moment I felt like I could burst into tears with him and it would all flood out… and maybe one day I will lose control and that is exactly what will happen.