Perhaps it is dumb to explain why I gave my blog the name that I did – everyone’s lives have ups and downs… but, a recent link to my blog with associated comments has made me ponder, especially when I am currently forced to present for over a week only in the masculine form I am now estranged from… and thus have no fun things to write about!
In my mind, for a TS girl heading towards transition and ultimately GRS, there are rather more ups and downs than I had ever expected:
- The link to my blog mentioned an ‘Up’ as being my bargain purchase of some ankle boots (see picture). I had not thought of this when I named my blog, but shopping as a girl is SUCH a different and fun experience. Coming across bargains, such as in a sale, in a size that actually fits! Another element of excitement is when one buys, to use one example of mine, a skirt in a shop at a point in time and then, MONTHS later, one sees a camisole top in a completely different shop and it is a perfect match! Of course, there is a down side to girly shopping… such as when one sees those floral-print jeans half the price they were when I bought them… but, well, at the time, I just HAD to have them!!!
- This blog is named the same as my diary thread on a support site, which I started writing in January. I named it as such because, as I started to go out and about, I knew that some days would go better than others… and that is how it turned out to be. In those earlier days, when I was low on confidence – I had some terrible days when almost 1 in 3 people had a problem with me and I’d get an occasional WTF look, or a stare as though the person had just stepped in something rather unpleasant. I had a day when I had two hate-incident events too. And then there would be other days that would go so amazingly well… and, now, well most days are thankfully like that, and because I am so much more confident, I know that the occasional negative stare is the problem of the starer and not the receiver (i.e. moi)… and maybe just some of those stares are because the person is jealous that I have made more of an effort in my appearance than they have – let’s just say, khaki, sack-like dress in comparison to my attire on the day I am thinking of just did not compare! (Oh I wonder if I sound like a big-headed girl here, I do not mean to be).
- Ups and Downs is also to do with emotions. Holy mackerel, I never thought I would become as emotional as I have done! And I put it all down to my journey and my much increased feminine mind. I reckon I have shed more tears this year than in most of my adult life… but they are tears of joy more than tears of woe. This year I have come across so many kindred spirits as Andrea, have had so many amazing new experiences and such fabulous days out as the real me, and much of this has made me teary-eyed at times. And there have been poor days, both those early days with much negativity, but more recently when every day I reluctantly put on my male, clunky, ill-fitting work clothes which seem so wrong and head off to work… and there can sometimes be the littlest thing on the train from a male passenger that reminds me that people see me as the male I no longer want to be even if I know I am not at all like the male I have heard.
- The ups and downs I have not experienced yet are the ones to look forward to when I go full-time, from work and from family/friends. I fear the worst, hope for the best, and everything in between will be a bonus… we will see.
Another ‘up’ is when you get a comment, or an email, from someone who makes one feel special, and categorically seems to imply that I am indeed a woman and they don’t know anything different. I have had this a number of times from Ivan, and it is wonderful. One thing us TS girls have a problem with is the voice, trying to feminise it – no matter how good one’s appearance is, if the noise from the mouth does not match then it will give one away. I am slightly lucky in that mine is not incredibly deep and it is not at all loud, but it has still taken a lot of practise (with the aid of only Flickr and Youtube videos) to progress it to its current stage… so it is amazing for me to be told by Ivan in his latest email that my voice is “soft and gentle and sends shivers up his spine”!! So although it still needs work, it has come a long way from when I would wander around a store, summon up the courage to speak a couple of words at the checkout, and no sound come out because everything has seized up!
Oh, Ivan is begging to come on holiday with me too! Lots of jokes around his comments, but it is quite fun – he is having major renovations done to his house, and the place is a bit like a bomb-site I gather. I sometimes wonder whether I should not be using his proper name in case he reads this… but why not, I appreciate his flattery, I enjoy his emails… and he’d recognise me from the photos anyway. I just hope I don’t get into trouble, even if I do everything I can to not encourage him… well, except stop replying to him, because I can’t do that, I enjoy the friendship!