I know, another post already! But two recent ‘events’ make me ask this question:
- I have just read Kirsty’s latest post, where her unselfish devotion to her family prevents her from inflicting the consequences of Kirsty on them any more than she already has done.
- A routine phonecall to my 12 year old daughter last night, where she is exhibiting what I have been told is typical behaviour at that age of having nothing to say to me…. albeit that she is also developing the characteristic of my ex- in criticising what I say, and do, too, which is worrying. So, frankly I found the call soul-destroying.
For at least a couple of months I have reconciled myself to the fact that it will never be a good time to tell my daughter about Andrea, and so my plan is to just try and pick a time that will be least-impact for her (such as after exams, at the start of summer hols next year when she would at least have a couple of months to come to terms with it) and continue to update what I am too say to her as I near such a time. So as a result I am not worried about telling her… and after that phonecall I wonder if I have in any case now had the best years of life with her anyway, even if I know I will be sad should she want nothing more to do with me. A difference, compared to Kirsty, is that my marriage ended over 8 years ago (nothing to do with my GD) and so I only see my daughter every other weekend.
My ONLY worry about going full-time is work, because I need to change my job anyway (for many reasons, but including bigotted managers) so once I get in a new place I worry about how I will settle in and, if/once I do so, that I perform well enough, and THEN when I come out (if I can even wait that long) what will the consequences be. Will I lose my job…. due to some other, potentially manufactured reason? And then will I remain unemployed…. and lose my home and everything in it and even become homeless if everyone rejects me? All this is what worries me! And not my daughter. Just what kind of person am I? The only answer I can give is that I am one who loves my daughter but cannot stand the thought of an unfulfilled life as male, when the little masculinity left in me I loathe so much and I am constantly feeling that I am suppressing so much of the real me…