As most of you on a transsexual journey like mine will know, it’s not all highs and constant excitement, there are down days too (some really low) and very emotional times, and this was why I titled my diary accordingly. Now and again, I have a down day… and today was one of them. I’m putting up a couple of selfies… and maybe if there’s anything really obvious, then maybe you can kindly please let me know – I have my own ideas though, could have been the hair (needed a bit of a wash, and I had a problem with the fringe that required a touch of hairspray… that made it shiny) or could have been the red cardy that attracted some people’s attention to me generally… and then they realised there was more to me than meets the eye.
As my daughter was in Antrim I thought I would go shopping in Newry this Sunday afternoon – disappointingly, as usual I took a long time to get ready, mainly due to the aforementioned hair issue, but eventually set off. I parked above the Quays shopping centre, and then walked down to it. Firstly I went to the loo in Sainsburys, then bought a banana and water to keep me going, as had had no lunch. I went to Argos to get links taken out of my lovely new gold watch and matching bracelet, and as I had to wait for the staff to do them (as one link was not enough for my slim wrists!) I went over to Next to browse the clothes. I picked up a few things, went into the changing rooms and rejected all but one, then went to pay. There was one woman in front of me with a little daughter, and as I waited she gave me a casual glance… and then her eyes half popped out of her head! Didn’t get another look from her as she left. I paid for my top, retrieved my watch, then went into quite a number of other clothes shops without any major bother, and eventually ended up in H&M. Had a good browse of the sale items, went into the fitting rooms to try on some trousers… and got a look of curiosity as I entered. Exited, picked up trousers in a smaller size as well as jeans, returned to try on again… and was joyful that I could get into the size 8 H&M trousers! (H&M are not big fit). And they are just GORGEOUS! Anyone who thinks trousers are trousers, whether for Bob or girl, should think again! The jeans were a bit too tight though, anyway I queued up to pay, and in front of me was a girl paying for a pile of clothes with her boyfriend alongside looking bored. He gave me a good once over and clearly read me… for, in plain view of me, he typed a draft text message on his phone (along the lines of “TS/CD standing right behind you”… or worse) and passed it over to her, and in a few seconds she turned around and gave me a quick look – nothing unpleasant I suppose, just unnecessary. As they finished off another girl started to server me, but as the couple left I followed them with a pointed stare all the way to the exit for I was sure they would give me another look… and they did, and maybe the look I gave them will make them feel that they did something wrong. Carried onto Debenhams, had a good browse there, think I got a couple of stares, bought a nice, smart top… and then returned to the car, and passed a guy in the shopping centre who gave me a look (though I didn’t meet his gaze)… though maybe he thought I was attractive in my red cardy… but I doubt it.
Drove onto Tesco, and I think I got on fine there… apart from a member of staff on the butcher’s counter who gave me a stare… but I have difficulty confronting people who stare; maybe that’s my problem, maybe if I just gave them a smile they would lighten up, but to me it just seems a bit forward to do that. I found a lovely black dress with pink spots and some stunning black patent shoes with two thin buckle straps – dead smart! The girl at the check out was really nice, we had a good chat about an assortment of things, including her college studies… which I wished her well with as I left.
So am I disheartened? A little bit. Have I crashed and burned? Of course not, done so much already, and intend doing it again… and am hoping to go for another walk with my group tomorrow, though it will be a mega struggle to get there… especially if I have another bad hair day! Will not beat myself up too much, considering that Newry is very busy on a Sunday (with people coming up from southern Ireland to shop there) then having an average of one or two stares per shop I suppose isn’t much; all of the shopping assistants who served me were nice.
P.S. I had an email from Alan – he told me to stop being self-deprecating, because I am a “talented and beautiful woman” – so that lifted my mood a wee bit!