For some time now I have found myself almost sexually inert, attracted to virtually nobody of either gender. I don’t know if this is partly to a failed marriage, but it has also been due to me becoming TS. But something happened the other day which makes me wonder if my sexuality may now be realigning itself with my inner, female gender.
I can be a bit of a dreamer, both at night but also during the day – I can have an isolated thought, close eyes, and my imagination runs wild and steers my thoughts outside of my control. On Monday I read the latest email from my ‘friend’ (as he terms himself, and on an email basis he is… for we have only met once) Ivan. Firstly, I still seem to be firmly a girl in his head, which is obviously a good feeling for me – I told him about all my weight loss last year, we were talking about scones and I said I watch that I don’t eat too many treats as I don’t want to turn into a big scone-shaped person again and he said “treats are ok in a controlled way, so do be open and transparent with me to ensure you are being a good girl”! In a previous email he also suggested we could go north to visit the Orkney or Shetland Islands – gulp! (I didn’t reply to him on that). And once again he has suggested meeting up one weekend for an extended chat….. and this got me day-dreaming. I closed my eyes…. and imagined myself at Hillsborough Lake (as per last weekend with Kirsty, and also dressed the same) with him, and halfway round, in a quiet spot, we kissed! I can’t remember who initiated it, but it was more than a peck on the cheek…. but less than a snog. And when the kiss happened I felt aroused down below, in the only way that I am able to feel it, with the apparatus I now loathe. And as I write, I feel it again! And I am not ashamed of it, to me it feels natural if it is merely aligning with who I am inside…. even if he would surely be repelled by what I am.
Last night I went out for dinner with my BGF Kirsty, and we had a lovely time. Took me ages to get ready, as usual, and just as I was about to set off in the car I noticed a ladder all the way up my tights and had to rush in and change! Quel nightmare! Before meeting up I went to Sprucefield. I returned a top at Next, where the checkout girl was nice – she asked if it was faulty and I said that it just didn’t suit me, and then I elaborated and said it was to match a pair of shoes but the colour wasn’t strong enough, so we had a bit of a c’est la vie laugh about that. Then popped into Boots before trotting back to the car and driving to Hillsborough where I met Kirsty. We ate at the Parsons Nose, and had a great time – the food was delicious, the waitress was increasingly nice and chatty as the evening wore on, and when we left a nice woman said “Thanks Ladies”. Wow!! Walking back to the cars we felt great and I was walking on air!
Onto support group, as I didn’t want the evening to end, and had a good girly chat with Michelle about clothes! (She had been to BHS and bought a nice skirt and top, and the tailored skirt was very smart – will have to look out for one… or two). Had some useful supportive chat from her and Kirsty upon leaving about Ivan…. you see, I quite fancy meeting him somewhere neutral for a strictly non-date meet, but I just don’t know…..