Oh, I wish I had started my blog at the start of this year… for that is when my gender-dysphoric journey to femininity really took off… and so much has happened already on this increasingly fast-paced journey.
I am 47 and live in Northern Ireland, originally from England. Although born as male, something has not felt right about that for so long… but until I found out about gender dysphoria I did not know what. I have been dressing in women’s clothes off and on for around 34 years (since puberty) but nobody that I have known for more than a few months is aware of this. Until age 40 my dressing was very occasional, characterised by creeping around when my parents and subsequently wife were (mostly) out, and most of this dressing was really an exploration into an unknown that at the time I was ashamed of, with some thrill aspect. At 40 my marriage thankfully ended, she was a dominating person. Since then I have bought my own clothes (and dressed more often), make up…. and, uh, accessories that help transform my male exterior so that it matches what I now know to be the real, feminine me. How do I know this now and not before?
About 18 months ago something in my brain fell into place and I seem to now have a completely different mindset. It is as though at that time I saw a light, at the end of a tunnel which represents a life that has just not made sense before. I don’t want to dress en-femme occasionally, but all the time – as soon as I get home from work I just have to shed my dreary male clothes and wear anything feminine, now it just feels natural and RIGHT to have these clothes on me, whereas in male clothes I feel like I am cross dressing, wearing male clothes that are just wrong. But clothing (and also make up and accessories) has become such a small part of this complicated equation, it is so much more about behaving and presenting and just living as a graceful woman in every way possible in every single thing I do. In a male life I feel so oppressed and frankly wrong, as though every day is like wading through quicksand… whereas when transformed into Andrea, The Real Me, I feel like I am floating and free.
My goal is to transition and be a lady 24-7 in everything I do… but I am scared of losing what is important to me – my lovely daughter, my family, as well as employment and the consequences of that. For a couple of years I have been softening my behaviour to everyone, showing more interest in them, and trying to be always considerate – I don’t believe I consciously did these kind of things, they just seemed to fall into place as a result of femininity soaring inside of me.
I hate everything male about me, especially the bits between my legs and my hairy body. I have come to dislike maleness in others too – aggressiveness at work, loud foul mouthed banter, blundering ungracious mannerisms, etc. This is not to say I dislike men, but at this stage I look at them and everything about them seems alien to me whereas when I look at women I see what I want in life… and I envy it when I am not presenting as Andrea. I am a shy person… although when you see how much I can write you will perhaps be sceptical! And perhaps you are right… because although
I am quiet-natured, the more I feel feminine the more chatty ad personable I am. On my blog I hope to record events of my new life, and perhaps some of what I write might help others on this difficult, roller-coaster journey. Good luck to all who are on the same journey as I am.