…well, seven AND a half days to be precise. Sounds pretty pathetic though, I guess, maybe even a bit farcical 😦 However, as I am, medically speaking, a transsexual woman, I didn’t think I would ever have a boyfriend… but now I have, even if it didn’t last long! I can now say that I have had a boyfriend, and refer to him in conversation or compare if I wish.
Our paths crossed on a dating site in May. I joined olderdatingonline.com in early May on a whim – as per my last blog post, ages ago, after being robbed in Tenerife I felt pretty vulnerable and when I saw an advert for the dating site I thought, what the hell, give it a go… and so I did. On the whole, I didn’t like online dating much – I was upfront about my history in my profile (albeit subtly, and not in the main description, but buried in a sub-section… under the Q&A section and the question “what’s the most embarrassing thing about you?”), and it soon became apparent that the BBC TV/Radio’s attempts at educating the UK population is not going very well. I had a LOT of guys message me to tell me how gorgeous/pretty I was, most of whom either didn’t bother reading my profile at all or just didn’t understand, those that I did end up chatting to (due to some overlap in hobbies/outlook, or an interesting profile… and there weren’t many) soon ended up falling into a few generally grubby categories – sexual fantasies revolving around my anus, gits thinking I’d be okay dating a cross-dresser (oh please), guys saying “I thought I’d be dating a woman” (utter naïve idiots), etc. I did chat quite a bit to one or two guys at length and all seemed to be going well and they were okay with me wanting a companionship-type relationship rather than a physical one, but once they actually understood what ‘transsexual’ actually means the general response was “oh, I don’t think I can deal with that”. Another thing that became obvious was that, no matter how old the guy was (e.g. 76… ugh), sex was on the top of their wants… and considering that one in three women aged 50 and over have little or no interest in sex then several of them will be quite disappointed… and three weeks into my dating experience I said just that on a general diary-type area… at which point my to-be (at that time) boyfriend (let’s call him John… as that’s his middle name) said “oh, chat to me”, and so I did… and the chat was really good, very down-to-earth, not about sex and so on. John didn’t know an awful lot about what transsexual meant, but he researched and came back to say that he had no problem with it, and also no issue with what I am looking for in a relationship which is companionship rather than something very physical. So at the end of my month of subscription we agreed to carry on emailing and I cancelled. Email carried on fine, generally getting to know each other… and it turned out that he only moved to Northern Ireland at the start of this year and so I suggested that perhaps he might like to join Meetup.com to meet like-minded people at group events.
A couple of weeks later I had a weekend when there was nothing going on and no friends available to meet, and so I checked my own Meetup calendar for anything of interest and it turned out there was a coffee morning not too far away from my house which caught my eye, and so I looked him who was going… and there was John’s picture! So I messaged him to say that I saw that he had joined, he said he had and this was his first event – therefore, I suggested that I could meet him in the car park rather than him wandering up to a group of people he knew nothing about… and that’s what happened. We met, walked into the coffee shop and, after he had ordered coffee for both of us, sat with the group next to each other and chatted… and chatted… and chatted, and it was nice, he was easy to talk to, if a little blunt on one or two subjects. After about half an hour I figured I should let other people talk to him, as this is the purpose of Meetup, and so I chatted to one or two people I already knew. Eventually the event ended and we stood up uncertainly and he said that he hope we’d meet again; I then went to a furniture shop next door while he went to the toilet, and as I was finishing up I noticed him exit the café and so I thought I’d bump into him in the car park. Next to the furniture shop was an antique shop, I asked him if he’d already been in and he said he’d had a quick look and it was okay, and so I said I thought I’d go in… and he followed me! Now I am not one for antiques really, but we had quite a fun time, generally laughing at prices and oddities, and eventually exited without a purchase and then had a long chat in the car park until the rain forced us to depart.
Our first meeting with just the two of us was in Belfast – shortly before a weekend we were talking about him being new over here, and so I suggested how about we meet up for lunch and see how it went, then maybe we could go ‘explore’ a bit. So we met in front of City Hall, I booked a table at a restaurant I knew (Blu, which I had had good evening meals with friends before) and we had lunch – the food was nice, as was the company – it turned out that we both preferred the same main and dessert… great minds think alike. Afterwards we returned to City Hall, as which point I told him that the ‘exploration’ was actually going to be a treasure trail – he was really excited and it turned out to be really fun, sometimes I do these with other people and they become soul-destroying events when my companion(s) treat it like a cutthroat competition, but John and I did it like a team, some questions he got, some I got, and some we figured out together. Just before the last clue we had coffee, and then solved the last clue outside – we had a big hug, murmured about meeting again, and then departed.
Two weeks after that was a classical concert which I had ordered a couple of tickets for (just supposing anyone needed my spare ticket)… but as it got to a week before the concert I asked if he was doing anything on that Friday and he wasn’t, though sounded curious as to why I wanted to know, so I asked him if he wanted to go to the concert and perhaps an early dinner and he said he’d love to. So we met on the Friday evening, he was on time and dressed respectably. We had a lovely dinner, and the chat over it was more relaxed than the initial meeting; as we were going to the concert we got free desserts, which were definitely worth going for! The concert was very good, including a piece by Smetana called Vltava which is the first piece I ever got into in classical music aged 8; I sat next to him, with Meetup members in front of us, and we loved the music, had nice chat in the interval, and he just seemed like a down-to-earth person to naturally go to such events with. After the concert he asked me if I wanted to go for a drink, but I was driving, it was getting dark, and I didn’t want to walk through the streets of Belfast on a Friday night any later than it was already; when I got home John said he had had a great evening though was disappointed I had not gone for a drink with him.
The next time we met was the day before I went away on holiday to Austria in mid-August, which I may blog about soon. I left work feeling demoralised as I had reminded my boss a couple of times we should do a handover but he was buried in the detail on his other system all that day, so I simply left a copy of my detailed work plan on his desk and waltzed out the building. On the train home I vented to John about my day and he said if I wanted to talk he’d meet me wherever I wanted… and so we met at Hillsborough. There is a nice lake to wander around, so I thought we’d take a stroll, but first I suggested I head to a popular restaurant of mine (The Plough) to book a table so we could eat later. So, we strolled, it was nice, I vented and he listened well… and then it rained – I had an umbrella but, being a typical man, he had no rain protection at all – we sheltered under a tree together for a while, which was nice, but then gave up waiting for a break in the cloud and hurried back for our meal… which was very pleasant… and we ended up sharing desserts, like a couple, half of each one… although he was jokingly reluctant to give up the half of his dessert.
During my holiday we chatted on Messenger A LOT! By then he knew most of the details about my history, but because of both my gender history and my disastrous marital history we ended up talking about a lot of really deep things – marriage, the type of wedding we might go for (not necessarily together), pre-nup agreements, holidays, the future, etc.!!! But I really enjoyed keeping in touch with him, and the day after we got back I met him in Hillsborough again, and this time we walked right around the lake and then went to a large M&S store nearby for supper, where we shared a piece of cake. It was simple but fun.
Just over a week later it was my birthday on a Friday, and while I was on vacation he suggested it ought to be celebrated… and so at this stage he said it would be his treat. I looked around for something a bit more special, but a couple of options were either not available (fully booked) or got recent bad reviews. So I zeroed in on this posh looking restaurant in Belfast called Saphyre, it looked a bit expensive (approx cost for 3-course a la carte £50) but he said I was the birthday girl and I could choose wherever I wanted… and so I booked it. And it was a FABULOUS meal – we ended up plumping for the seven-course taster menu (£65 each)… which became eight courses with the amuse bouche, or nine with coffee… and ten once they found out it was my birthday and brought a little birthday cup cake for me. It took us FOUR hours to eat our meal, we had lots of good chat, and every course was lovely, building on the earlier courses to two lovely desserts at the end; just before coffee I had gone to the ladies and on the way back I kissed his cheek and thanked him for a lovely treat, it just seemed the natural thing to do. By this time he had ended up missing his train and so I had to drive him to his office to pick up his car, and then I followed him as far as a road that I knew, then he got out and kissed me (slightly awkwardly) on the lips.
The Sunday morning after that I had nothing planned, and we were chatting by text. I said I fancied having a cooked brunch, and he said it sounded lovely… so I texted him back “Well, there’s enough for two”… and so he came over. I wasn’t going out so I warned him I would have no make up on, he said that didn’t bother him – I wanted him to see me au natural… and later on he still said I’m ‘gorgeous’. My lunch cooking went REALLY well, he liked it all, and I made effort with plating up that I would hardly bother with on my own… and after that we ended up talking about my history, ALL of it, and after a while I got very teary-eyed and went to the adjacent lounge for a tissue to blow my nose, I sat on the sofa and he gave me a hug… a LONG hug, for about half an hour until I had told him everything that I needed.
He next came over a few days later, I invited him to dinner again… and hugs, as it turned out. And the next evening he came over too… and I asked him if he still considered me as “potential girlfriend” material, and he said he did, so I said what about “actual girlfriend”… and he said yes. That was the evening I had my first snog with a guy… and it went pretty flippin well!!! I even gave him a couple of little suggestions to make it even better!
A couple of days later my parents arrived for a long weekend, and we talked all about John, how I met him, what we’d been up to, and so on… and as far as I can tell it seemed to really help my mum accept the new me much more than before. I wasn’t sure how well it would go down, me telling them that as of a couple of days ago we’d become boyfriend/girlfriend, but it went fine, and several times they said they hoped it would all go well, and my mum was “thrilled to bits”. Perhaps the best bit of the weekend was where my mum was in the kitchen with me while dad was in the garden and we ended up talking about the men in our lives and contrasting and comparing them, it was two women talking about their men.
The Monday morning that my parents left John texted me to say that he would love to see me that evening… and so we met. I can’t remember an awful lot what we did – I cooked, we listened to music with a lot of hugs of different types… and then snogged… A LOT. I could tell he was ‘on heat’, and overall quite aroused. I was home late the next night, but fancied company and so he was round again – this time we had a quick supper and then watched the start of a move in a bug sofa hug… and then my lounge light on its timer went out… and the intimate snogging started again. After a while I took my bra off from inside my top and asked him to feel my breasts, because I’d never had that before and wondered what it might feel like – overall, it felt like he couldn’t find an awful lot, but it was nice enough. Again, I could tell he was very aroused within himself, panting away, and quite hungry for kisses… but eventually I had to let him go.
During our recent meetings I had reminded him that owing to my operation choice I couldn’t give him penetrative sex, but more recently I had said that I felt a lot more confident that I was prepared to explore various other alternatives for intimacy when the time came… and the next day I bought some pleasure gel to be ready for when the time did come.
The next morning I got a text from him saying that he had been thinking a lot (as I had asked him to do) about what he wanted, and he had decided that he didn’t want to be boyfriend/girlfriend any more for two reasons – (1) after the horrors of his divorce the previous year he really wasn’t ready for commitment of anything serious, but also (2) he wasn’t sure whether he would be okay having a relationship without sex. I was pretty upset – why did he agree he wanted me as his girlfriend when he knew everything about me and his divorce is almost finalised. Perhaps I was his rebound? I actually think my level of sensuousness surprised him… and tonight he confirmed that… and I can tell you it bloomin surprised me too! So perhaps that gave him the impression things were going too fast. I also think he doesn’t know what I even meant by ‘alternatives to penetration/sex’. Anyway, he says he “still wants to be friends… and who knows”… but I’m not sure I’d want a relationship with him again for fear of further rejection – I made that mistake with my marriage, and what a disaster that was.
Tonight I’ve eaten half a tub of chocolate brownie and cookie dough mix ice cream. I guess that means I’m upset. I certainly feel quite sad and alone again. But I also feel resigned to the fact that this is likely to happen again and again with guys, just supposing they can get past the history enough (like John could) but then they realise when they get all horny that my quality-snogging and willingness to try intimacy alternatives won’t be enough.
So there you go… I’ve had a boyfriend… and lost him… already. What have I learned?
- I am definitely in the right place, not just gender-wise but sexuality-wise.
- I have no issue kissing, or even snogging, a guy that I fancy… and I am reliably told that it is a ‘wonderful’ experience (by John).
- Now that I have had an albeit brief relationship, that perhaps in future I will be more upfront about the intimate possibilities I am willing to try when the time comes.
- Despite all this my operation choice remains unchanged – sex isn’t everything… and even if it is, there are so many variations that are possible such that there doesn’t absolutely have to be penetration… at least in my mind… and the right guy for me will be of the same mind… wherever he is.
- I probably shouldn’t get so excited about the future so early in a relationship… because despite only a week being someone’s girlfriend I am pretty down about being rejected.
- Probably other stuff too… but me head is a bit muddled to think what they are.